BB and L: Suicide Brothers
by valorkairi
Summary: "I hate life." Said BB. "I think I need therapy."  "Or you could just kill yourself."  L and BB set out on a quest to fulfill BB's epic death as they meet Misa Amane: the loli cyber-slut, Light: the closet furfag, and Near: the recluse.
1. 1

**A half assed short chapter done in five minutes. Second chapter will be long. This is just to get the story rolling. I am insensitive. I don't care. REVIEW. :D**

**** BB and L were twin brothers. They did everything together. They pissed together, they studied together, slept together (not with each other, though their relationship was often borderline gay.) There was no others lucky enough to get in between their brotherhood bond. They were not apart of a circle. It was just them. BB and L. L and BB. BBLBBLBBLBBL.

So one day, as the brothers ate jelly tarts, a subject arose that would change the course of their lives forever.

"I think I'm depressed." Said BB. He licked his finger.

L didn't seem concerned. "Have you tried masturbating?"

"Yes."

"This sounds serious."

"Probably." L nodded.

"It could be those female hormones kicking in."

"I don't have female hormones, brother."

"That's just the hormones talking."

BB considered this. He finished his tart then twiddled with the zipper of his blue jeans. He cupped his bulge checking if his male genitals were still in tact.

"That's not it." He finally replied.

L now seemed concerned. Porn wasn't working and female hormones weren't the problem.

"Why are you depressed?"

"I don't know. One day, when I was butchering the old lady who was across the street, I realized my life was empty. I'm not a singer. I'm not important." BB's usual monotone voice lilted with sadness. "I can't dance. I'm not a nurturing human being. As soon as I pick up a baby, I just want to eat it. Apparently, that's not good, brother. What am I going to do?"

"I'm not quite sure I'm following you. Do you want take up tap dancing?"

"I hate life." Said BB. "I think I need therapy."

"Or you could just kill yourself." Suggested L.

A silence followed, the only sound was L stirring in sugar to his tea.

Finally, BB said: "That would be less expensive."

"You wouldn't need to learn any skills like dancing."

"You can dance on my grave, brother."

"How very kind."

The room had grown with a certain positive energy that had never been there before. BB began to twiddle his hair between his fingers in nervous excitement.

"We must make my death memorable. Something that will give all the news reporters wet dreams."

L clapped his hands together. "A suicide that will shock the ages." And with this, they began to plan for the most epic suicide of the time.


	2. 2

_Authors Note: Everyone dislikes Misa for her ditziness, but I love her ditziness. I can relate. I hate the fact she is easily manipulated, but she is one of the only things that brought comedy to the show. Besides Light's epic chip eating and Mello's questionable gender, of course. But now I get to introduce Misa and use her as a weapon. -Evil smile-_

BB and L's house had begun to look like the headquarters of the CIA. High quality photos of the different types of suicide methods from hanging to wrist-cutting were neatly laid out on the table, a diagram was drawn of the most vital areas of the human body on a chalkboard, and a live blindfolded human was strapped to a cemented chair. He was a Brazilian foreigner who kept asking some guy named 'Deus' for help.

"Wow," BB commented. L was the saner of the two, but he often succumbed to kidnapping and enslavement on rare occasion (Remember the episode where he confined Misa? You know he liked it.) , where as BB's main tinkle came from the usual gory murder and arson. "You're really getting into this. Are we going to cut him up and examine his body?"

"You will NOT touch Jonathan. He is my friend and keeps me company." L waved his finger disapprovingly. "Isn't that right, Jonathan?"

Jonathan began to beg. Although to L it sounded more like sweet whispers. "_Oh, Deus. Oh, Deus, por favor anal estupro esta satânico, filho da puta."_

"See? He loves me." L gloated.

BB saw small scrawled out words on the chalkboard, then walked over to get a closer look. The topic word was "Viral" and listed underneath were sites like "Youtube" and "Pornhub" and a picture of a cute little bunny rabbit.

"Viral?" BB questioned.

"You said you wanted a famous suicide, and I thought the best way to approach the situation was to look at a modern view. Most celebrities have gained their fame through this magical place called 'the internet'."

"Yes, I know of it. How do you think I get my victims location? Mapquest is part of my modus operandi."

Jonathan was once again feeding sweet, sweet whispers bordered on erotic gasps. "_Que tipo de monstro é você? Como é que você não foi castrado ou arrumar?"_

"I'm sorry, Jonathan, please don't interrupt us with your longings." L continued. "Anyways, I thought if we recorded your suicide and posted it on a video hosting site you would be a legend. I was betting more on youtube."

"But…shouldn't we keep this PG? What if the kids end up watching?" BB didn't sound worried for their well-being at all. In fact, he smiled twisted-like at the thought of ruining a childhood.

"PG stands for 'Pussy Groundhogs'. Do you want to be a Pussy Groundhog, BB? Excuse my usage of cat." L said it passionately. Normally his voice was stuck in some dull emotionless setting, but now it moved BB to question himself even more.

"You're completely right, brother." He admitted. "Now, I just want to kill myself even more for my cowardice."

"We'll get around to it." L smiled his quirky smile. "But first we have to find a professional in this situation.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They resorted to chat rooms. Most of their run-ins were with Middle Eastern Men asking for smutty photos of their feet. A few jailbaits unloading their teenage emotional angst in word documents, were also counted for. BB had even planned to pick up one of the thirteen year olds from soccer place tomorrow.

L shook his head.

"What? She was nice." BB pouted.

But among the chat sites, a frequent name appeared. "MisaMisaTango" also referred to as "Dat Asian Skank Hoe" and "The Great Whore of the Internet." But they had never gotten the opportunity to talk to this respectable young lady until one night where they intersected on .

**MisaMisa: Misa Misa is nice round B-cup with tight firm ass. Hmu to have any service of yours performed. ;)**

L and BB glanced at each other.

"Anything? Like how to go viral?" BB asked.

"I don't know. Let's ask her." L began to type away.

**L: What exactly do you require and what can you do for me?**

**MisaMisaTango: Misa Misa luvs strong manly men. Misa Misa do anything for strong manly man. **

L looked at BB. "You're going to have to get in shape for her to consider helping us."

"Is she even worth it? Is she even a professional?" BB examined his scrawny arms. "I wouldn't want to exert myself for no reason."

**L: Do you have any experience?**

**MisaMisaTango: I have experience in every field. ;)**

L and BB looked at each other approvingly.

**MisaMisaTango requests video chat.**

The video was focused on a young blonde woman, most likely nineteen, in a pink lacy Lolita outfit who began to strip enthusiastically.

"A free strip show too? This lady's so generous."

Xxxxxxxxxxx

BB rarely stepped foot out of his house. Him and his brother being recluses, L the more obvious one, he wasn't used to outside world. The only time he visited these strange alien streets was when he was on his occasional killing spree. The stares that accompanied him were not foreign. And instead of thinking that maybe their stares came from the awkward oddities he possessed.

But today was special. Today he was going to meet his_ maker_. Or technically the one who was supposed to _end_ him. The cyberslut Misa, he had managed to track down her location, and it turned out, only one subway trip was between them.

BB was sitting next to an elderly woman who was inching away. He assumed it was probably because he hadn't introduced himself yet.

He turned to her abruptly and stuck out his hand. The woman screamed.

"I'm BB."His voice was unusually enthusiastic. Or maybe he was just giving it a higher pitch so the lady could hear him over her screams.

The old woman tried to smile naturally, but it came out as a tight forced smile, as though someone had just detailed their defecating problems.

"...Yagami Sachiko..." She managed to spit out.

"That's a long name. Can I call you S?"

"No."

"Well, S, today I'm on a mission, but don't tell anyone." He leaned in towards her making a 'shhhing' sound. "If the media gets a hold of this our surprise will be over and my suicide will be for nothing."

Sachiko couldn't quite grasp what she was hearing. Was she the consultant of a suicidal person? She racked her brain remembering all the lessons that were taught on suicide. They might just turn their problems to anonymous strangers feeling there is no one else to trust. Sachiko assumed herself in that role. Her heart bled with compassion.

"You don't have to kill yourself BB. You're a beautiful person inside and out." She assured him.

He shook his head. "I do have to kill myself."

"You are loved, BB. It would be such a loss if you killed yourself."

"Are you hitting on me, S?" BB asked, amused.

"If anything is going on at home, you can tell me." She suddenly reached out and hugged him, tightly. A long, tender hug. BB felt confused. He had just tried to strike up a conversation and now he was being sexually assaulted by some middle aged woman?

"'If something makes you uncomfortable,'" BB quoted, feeling an obvious uncomfort. "'There's a reason why. You are the victim of sexual harassment.'"

"You have the right to report anything that makes you uncomfortable!" She placed her hand on his leg reassuringly. "No one is allowed to touch you inappropriately BB unless you consent! Whoever is harassing you...don't let them take away your life!"

BB bit his lip. Then suddenly pulled away, shot up, and began to point frantically at Sachiko. "RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!"

The passengers and Sachiko all looked at him with baffled expressions.

"Um, is there a problem?" One of the male passengers asked.

BB pointed at Sachiko, accusingly. "This woman was touching me inappropriately! I am a victim of attempted molestation! I want this woman arrested!"

Taking in the fragile appearance of Sachiko, he couldn't help but to laugh. "This old woman?"

"She's a deceiver! Don't let her appearance persuade you! Underneath that wrinkled flesh and menopausal mustache lies a succubus who will torment your kids, your wives, _and_ your husbands!" (A/n: Cuz they rapin' errybody out here.)

"Someone call the crazy house..." A person muttered.

"I am no such thing!" Sachiko retorted. "I am a loving mother of two, and a devoted wife!"

"Do you touch your two kids too?" BB questioned.

And this was how BB left the subway station nearly dead.

"Pity. That would have been a good death." He concluded.

xxx


End file.
